Stryker
AKA Savage Dawn
(1983)
IMDb entry

Cast:

Stryker	Steve Sandor
Delha	Andrea Savio
Kardis	Mike Lane
Bandit	William Ostrander

    Ah, 1983.  The 80s.  The era of zipper jackets, leg warmers, poofy hair, and one of my all time favorite cheeseballs: Deathstalker.  More high-quality cheese was produced in the late 70s and early 80s than at any other time in filmmaking history.  And it is from that time that we get the steaming cheese wheel that is... Stryker.

    It starts with an apocalypse (don’t they all?).

    Close as I can tell, either everyone died from the nuclear fallout, or terminal cases of 80s hair.  The world is a desert (the part we see, anyway), and they’re all looking for water.  Stryker (but I don’t even know ‘er!) is kind of like Mad Max, a warrior with guns and a car, only without the charisma, the talent, the looks, or the cool Aussie accent.  He does have a really neat-o Rob Zombie cowboy hat, though.

    So he drives around in his rodded-out car, beating up bad guys and saving chicks with big bouncy boobies who don’t have the sense enough to keep their own asses out of trouble.  Oh, and it’s in the desert and they all need water.

    At one point he snaps a guy’s neck in really, really, ultra-slow motion, which is pretty cool.  The women all wear headbands, studded leather breastplates and leather Daisy Dukes.  Some even wear football pads (good to know the nukes didn’t take out the sporting goods shops, huh?) and ALL of the women have frizzy 80s hair.  We're talking poodle-jammed-in-a-light-socket here.  And don't spare the Aquanet.

    Did I mention they’re in the desert and they need water?  I did?  Oh.

    So there’s one, like, really bad guy who, like, controls almost the entire population of the movie, and he wants, like, all the water so he can, you know, rule the world and stuff.  (Did I mention the water already?)  So when somebody finds this huge underground lake, it’s all-out war, with Stryker leading the battle against the big bad man.  Why they chose him to lead them is beyond me.

    There are guns, and explosions, and women running around in tight leather outfits (doesn’t that sound like fun?) 

    Hell, the falsetto-chattering Jawa-like dwarves alone are worth the price of admission.

    This is a studded-leather limburger masterpiece.

Laughability: Pretty good.  Classic, well-aged cheese.  5 Cheese Logs.  3 of those are for the Lollipop Guild on helium.

Gratuitous Nekkidness: Tons, and valley girls running around in tight leather the rest of the time.  What more do you need?  4 1/2 Boobies.

Gratuitous Action: You betcha.  Guns, armored cars, motorcycles, explosions, fake blood, you want it you got it.  7 Bullets.

Overall: 5 1/2 Cheeseburgers, with onions.  Not for all tastes.

The requisite chick with nice T&A who gets herself into trouble every 5 minutes.	VROOOOM!	Ladies and gentlemen... STRYKER!
Water.  In bagpipes?	"My hat is concerned."	Not Springsteen.
Not Jawas.	"Like, ohmagawd, Tiffy, the future, like, totally SUCKS!"	Bad guy!  You can tell because he has a really ugly henchman.
That's a big explosion for such a tiny little golf cart.	Stryker's hot rod.	When attempting to conquer the world and dominate all life with a ruthless iron fist, personal hygiene is very important.
BOOBIES! (don't blow a gasket; I censored it)	Kenny Loggins and Duran Duran look on, concerned.	Really, REALLY slow-motion neck snapping.
Heavily-armed sweathogs.  The future!	Buffy, Warrior Linebacker	The shoulderpad brigade on the move.  I especially like the shade of lipstick that Speedbuggy is wearing.
Headbands, shoulder pads, tight leather Daisy Dukes...  It must be THE FUTURE!	And the good guy SCORES!	"We represent the Lollipop DEATH!"
"Can you hear me now?"	Stryker unleashes an orgy of death with his very big gun.	This is supposed to be a tear-jerker moment.  No, really.  It affected me deeply; I mean, she had a really awesome butt.
	.oO(Say, this 'shower' thing isn't too bad... I should do this more often.)