Cheeseburger Heaven

Revenge Quest
(1995)
IMDb Entry

Cast:

Rick Castle	Brian Gluhak
Julie Meyers	Jennifer Aguilar
Trent McKormick	Christopher Michael Egger

First, let me apologize to filmmakers everywhere for using the term "filmmaker" to refer to anyone that had something to do with this movie, but "cold-blooded criminal" seemed a bit too harsh.

I came to several life-affirming realizations while watching this piece of fermented turkey dung:

1. If you're going to watch Bladerunner 3 times a day for a month, don't sit down and write a script immediately afterward.
2. ADR is a good and necessary thing.
3. Watered-down Heinz 57 doesn't look like blood ON camera either.
4. Never, EVER, loan your video camera to that "aspiring filmmaker" who lives with his mother next door and never leaves his house.
5. No matter how low your budget is, always set aside a couple bucks for squibs and blanks for the guns. Sound effects alone don't cut it.

    This skidmark in the Superman Underroos of cinema was shot entirely on video, with no sound equipment other than the microphone mounted on the camera, no effects (NONE!), and no discernable acting, writing, directing or editing talent. The majority of family home movies come closer to earning the distinction of being called "cinema" than Revenge Quest. No, this is just a 10 car pile-up caught on video.

    Okay, here's the concept: It's the year 2031 (uh-oh), and we've colonized Mars (we just have to take their word for it). The first thing we built on Mars was a penal colony, because I guess a research station would have made too much sense. This colony, called "Red Rock" (that name is the most creative part of the movie), is supposed to be impossible to escape from. Of course, someone escapes from it. Raise your hands if you didn't see that coming. He then finds his way back to Earth and goes on a "Revenge Quest" (never use the title conspicuously in the script, people!) against the woman that testified against him and put him in jail. For what, I'm still not sure, but I'd bet my money that it was something stupid.

    The bulk of the storytelling (and there isn't much) is in the scroll-up at the beginning:

"The year is 2016 and the United Nations have come together in unison to colonize the planet Mars. One of the first structures built, was a giant state of the art prison named Red Rock.

"This facility was built to house the Earth's most dangerous inmates. After the prison was completed in 2026, inmates were used as slave labor to continue the hazardous colonization of the planet.

"They said nobody could ever escape from Red Rock. They were wrong..."

    Wait... What year is it again? Nevermind.

    If that premise wasn't weak enough already, just wait, it gets worse. As if they had difficulty writing that drek, the filmmaker "borrowed" heavily from Bladerunner, lifting two entire scenes verbatim (I'm not kidding), several others nearly verbatim, and a big part of the concept. If it's supposed to be an homage, please, in the name of Spielberg, STOP. On top of that, we have a bad guy stalking around in a permanent scowl, leather jacket and sunglasses, carrying a plastic uzi. If he'd had Ahhnuld's accent, the image would have been complete.

    The funniest part is the near total lack of any effects whatsoever. There were no blanks in the plastic guns, so the actors just stand there and shake the props in time to the sounds (actually, they're NOT in time with the sounds, but anyway). There are no squibs, so we just have to imagine there are bullets flying. In one scene, the bad guy uses his uzi to gun down a woman. He aims, shakes his gun, we hear the "machine gun" sound (NOT an uzi sound), and 1 bullet (only 1!) hits her square in the back. Actually, to be honest, it looked more like she was hit by a rogue paintballer, and then tripped and fell on her face. Bear in mind that my description does far too much justice to the ineptitude of the actual sequence. In another scene, there's a shootout in the stairwell of a building, that's just... too pathetic for words. The bad guy chases the good guy and the lady he's protecting down the stairs, shaking his plastic uzi all the way. You may wish to duck; there are badly timed sound effects flying all over the place, while these two grown human beings shake their toy guns at each other.

    The coup de grace of the effects was one specific sound effect used during a fist fight. Imagine you're fighting someone. Put up your fists and shadow-box. Now make the sounds for every hit. THAT is the sound they used. And it wasn't done by the actor on set. It was ADDED afterward by the filmmaker. They recorded it, synced it up, and printed it to the soundtrack. Pitiful. Just pitiful. And it's not the only "sound effect" recorded that way. They also did a "shh" sound for the elevator doors, presumably to make them sound more "futuristic." I mean, dear gawd.

    I'd tell you how it ends, but I don't want to spoil it for you. Actually, there's nothing to spoil... Good guy fights bad guy. Bad guy nearly wins. Good guy's girlfriend shows up and shoots bad guy. Fade to black. Retch your guts out.

    I supposed Alan DeHerrera can't be locked away for conceiving of this train wreck, but he did follow through all the way to editing and releasing it. If there's any justice, there's bound to be some karma out there with his name on it, and it's not going to be pretty.

    Should you decide to watch this lump of industrial waste- and I would strongly advise against it- be sure to watch for the entire scenes lifted nearly verbatim from Bladerunner, and the AM radio that doubles as a walkie-talkie. Try not to focus too hard on the plot; it will only hurt you more if you do.

Laughability: If you are a hardcore bad movie riffer, as in you have copies of at least half of all the episodes of MST3K on tape and can watch Manos without flinching, give it a go. It can be laughable, but if you're not a professional then this is nothing but painful. 1 1/2 Cheese Logs.

Gratuitous Nekkidness: NONE. Not even mildly cute eye candy. 0 Boobies.

Gratuitous Action: They had toy guns, and you can tell they were toy guns. They used ketchup for blood, and you can tell they used ketchup for blood. No explosions, no nothing. 0 Bullets. In fact, they owe me one.

Overall: Garbage. Not even good for a laugh. 1/2 Cheeseburger. Cold and stale, with no pickles.

The bad guy.	The good guy.	The lady the bad guy wants to kill.
A random street thug, to randomly attack the bad guy, so he can randomly kill him to prove how bad the bad guy is.	You can't beat Heinz 57.	Randomly dead.
Not Ahhnuld.	In the future, every public telephone will be equipped with a voice-activated VIC-20.	"Sure, dude, I'll do your movie!"
It's a walkie-talkie! It's an AM radio! It's all that and more!	Our villain, during the riveting "going up a couple floors in the elevator" scene.	Still not Ahhnuld.
The guy's response to being stabbed in the neck? "What'd you do that for?" thud	The big stairwell shootout, as mentioned above.	The other half of the shootout.
No good, babe. You're not gonna be able to wash this stinkburger off your resume, no matter how hard you scrub.	...of crimes against humanity. Sentenced to watch this movie repeatedly.	Either his couch has running lights, or his dust bunnies just went thermo-nuclear.
I think we found where the budget went.	The bad guy. He's wet, and he's mad.	Still wet. Still mad.