Indo's Cheeseburger Heaven

    Bad movies are an art form.
    Let's face it: not every movie can be a Titanic or a Star Wars. But just because a movie is, shall we say, less than perfect, doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. Take as examples nearly any movie that features Shannon Tweed. Certainly not box office gold, but the gratuitous nudity and explosions make them fun to watch, at least on some levels. Some movies are so ineptly made that they're actually funny, and a rare few- Army of Darkness is a good example of this- actually display some awareness of their campy nature, and attempt to play it up.
    But then you have the genuine crap. The stinkballs that are so terrible, so inept and inane, that you can't even laugh at them. It would be like pointing and laughing at that "special" kid you knew in school. It's just not right to pick on them.

    I typically look for 3 redeeming qualities in a bad movie:

    First and foremost, is Laughability. Did the filmmaker make an earnest attempt at quality cinema and fail miserably? How insipid is the plot? The acting? Is there any? Is it set in a bleak post-apocalyptic future that looks remarkably like L.A. did ten years ago? Is the script in a language that's not the first language of ANY of the leading actors? There are so many factors to this one, that it would be futile to try and list them. We'll deal with this on a film-by-film basis. Rated 0 to 10 in Cheese Logs.

    Second, I look for Gratuitous Nekkidness (nudity). In the absence of plot, acting, cinematography or effects, a little excessive skin can actually make a film watchable. Well, maybe "watchable" isn't quite the right word to use here. That's why God invented "fast forward" and "mute". It helps if it's a big name B-movie starlet, but sometimes its the unknowns that give the best skin. Rated 0 to 10 in Boobies (what else?).

    Third, I look for Gratuitous Action. This is a bit different from gratuitous violence, but only on a technicality. A car chase isn't really violence, but it can be gratuitous too. Plenty of explosions, fast cars, guns and fake blood can certainly help to shield a viewer from an otherwise pathetic attempt at cinematic entertainment. Of course, if the effects themselves are pathetic, the movie has to fall back on the other two points or it loses all value. Rated 0 to 10 in Bullets.

Caveats:
    Big point here: If the movie actually managed good box office, that's going to affect its ranking as a cheesy movie. A good "bad" movie should be obscure, preferably straight to video or with a very short box office run, or it should be really old. Also, if a movie is too aware of its own campiness (like Army of Darkness) then it crosses over from bad movie to bad comedy and really doesn't qualify anymore.  On top of that, it matters whether the crappy movie had a huge budget (like Battlefield Earth) or virtually no budget at all (like Revenge Quest, which is listed below).

    My grading scale is a simple 0 to 10 scale (that's right: not afraid to give 'em NOTHING!), with possible half points. A movie gets a score for each of the three points, and then an overall score. It's pretty simple, and always subjective (there's no formula for the overall score; I just give it).

**WARNING! Every review has spoilers!**

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N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z


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B:
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Bug Buster  (1998)
Laughability: (8 1/2)
Nekkidness: (3 1/2)
Action: (4)
Overall: (6)
Funny stuff.  Rent it if you like cheesy sci-fi.
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R:
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Laughability: (1 1/2)
Nekkidness: NOTHING!
Action: YEAH, RIGHT.
Overall: (1/2)
See this twitch?  This movie is pain, pure pain.  Run away.  Run far away.
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S:
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Stryker  (1983)
Laughability: (5)
Nekkidness: (4 1/2)
Action: (7)
Overall: (5 1/2)
Oh, if only all cheese were this good.
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